Radioactive

The Child Bride - Year Before Wedding

On The Stereo: Waiting For My Real Life To Begin, Mark Knoffler
In The Bloodstream: Same Old People's Stuff, Pain Meds.

Monday Morning Update

Got the call from Dr. Harrington on Friday, regarding the pathology results from my recent scalp surgery.  "Good news", he said.  I immediately felt relieved.  Then he told me that there was no invasive melanoma in the specimen.

However, there is still more in situ melanoma immediately beside the wound and it would need to be surgically removed.  Then, because of the extent of the surgical damage so far, a skin graft might be an option.  I asked him how this became good news.

Kath and I have been debating the options and are both not sure of another immediate surgery.  The last one is not even close to healing and is still quite painful.  I have not been able to find a sleeping position which would allow me to get some rest.  Even putting a hat on to go out is uncomfortable.  We expect a call from the doctor today, to hopefully come to some conclusion.  He is a terrific guy and is most considerate about this patient's health and comfort.  We will make a plan.

                                                            ******************

Let me introduce you to Kathleen Mary Mullen.

Kathy and I met at CIL, a large chemical company, in Toronto.  I was in a casual dating period, with no real ties to anyone.  It was  the summer of 1973, and I was a sales rep and she was working as a summer intern in our paint business.  She had completed her degrees in arts at the University of Toronto and Toronto Teachers College and would be employed as a teacher in the fall.

As it happened, she was asked to sit at the receptionist desk over the lunch hour.  I came into the lobby to catch the elevator down to Bloor St. and go grab a bite with some of my colleagues.  She was a cute girl, with a little turned up nose, long hair and a mini skirt.  So I asked her if she would like to catch a movie sometime.  She said sure, and I caught the elevator down.

The next day we talked and agreed to have a light dinner and see Live and Let Die that night.  We talked over dinner about everything.  She was smart and confident.  Very engaging and really good looking.  She was 5 years younger and still pretty innocent.  A perfect date.

I was reading Alvin Toffler’s book, Future Shock  and I was explaining to her that good old Al believed that men would have a number of wives in their lives.  As women would be unable to meet the ever changing requirements of men as their career paths moved upward on the corporate ladder, they would need to be replaced by a more sophisticated partner from time to time.  Toffler thought that 5 - 7 partners would be about the right number.

 Before you yell at me, or report me to some feminist organization, please, I do understand that Alvin might well have been a chauvinist.  Oh, the good old days. (That is a joke, people.  Lighten up.) Anyway, Kath’s quick response was that a smart woman would find the right man who eventually might catch up with her in her life, career and intelligence.  I was hooked.  (Feel better now?)

That part of the conversation would happen in the line for the theater,  and was overheard by everyone in earshot around us.  I know this because there were knowing smiles, mild laughter,  (and maybe some smirks) from both men and women, who could see the dating match was tilted in Kathy’s favor.  She was way cool, that girl.

                                          Working a trade show for CIL - hot pants and attitude.

At that point I think that she had already decided that I was" the guy", but I was still seeing a couple of really great girls and was reticent at this early stage, to put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak.

Kathy had a previous commitment to attend an out of town wedding with another guy and I offered and eventually took her to the train station.  I’m sure she expected some irritation and jealousy from me, but I was not yet “locked in” to a monogamous relationship.  I still had a date arranged for that weekend and now there was no conflict.

The girl that I was seeing was heading to Europe with a girlfriend which I thought would be good.  Separation is a good thing when you are dating several people.  I was ambushed.  She told me that her friend would be happy to have me join them on their trip.  Quickly, I calculated several things.  One, that this girl was somewhat serious about growing our relationship and two,  I could be vacationing with two girls.  This was every young man’s fantasy.  Oh my god.

The night of our date, I told her that  I could not go - on the date, and especially not to Europe.  I had already realized the road I was going to travel.  It was going to be with Kathy.  This was after only a few dates.  I was not just dating.  I was hooked.

We were still platonic when we went to a stage play of Jesus Christ Superstar, with Ted Neely.  It was playing at the O’keefe Center and it proved to be a terrific show.  Our plan was to see the show and then drop Kathy off at her home and I was then heading to my little cottage in Orillia, for the weekend.  It was a Friday ritual for me most every weekend.  I had to cut grass, keep the place in shape and do what most people do at a cottage - swim, water ski, drink beer and see regular friends I had known most of my life.  Kath’s mom expected her home.  I don’t think she trusted me with her daughter.  She had cause.

Kathy did not go home that night.

She had packed her bathing suit and toothbrush in her purse and we headed north, for our first night together - alone.  I asked her if she was sure.  Her mom was expecting her, and she was a good girl and the perfect daughter.  She had decided, in advance, on her own, to change her relationship with her family and with me.

 We had the most fun weekend you could imagine.  She met my Orillia friends.  We laughed. We learned who each of us really was.  I cut the grass and had my first beer at 9 a.m.  on Saturday morning.  It was hot and  steamy.  We boated, water skied, threw horseshoes and went to hear a folk singer that night .  Kathy was perfect.  She was vulnerable, a little shy, and every time I glanced at her she was smiling at me.  I told her I loved her when we went to bed that night.  It has been ever so.

So began the next stage.  Two months later we drove to Ottawa for the weekend to visit Kath's uncle and aunt, Don and Mary, and their three girls.  Kathy thought the world of them and she wanted to introduce them to me.  I had asked Kath to get us a hotel room near their house and off we drove.  As we drove into the the city,  Kath confessed that she had not made hotel arrangements.  She had never done anything like this before - you know, a dirty weekend thing.  It was nearing dinner time, when we were to join her relatives.  We now could not find a room, until we stopped at a new hotel, and they had a room for us.  The place was still under construction.  They were not even close to completion.  Painting was half done.  Carpeting had not been laid.  The front desk was not finished. I asked to see the room.  The furniture, what there was of it, was still wrapped in plastic and there were no sheets and no towels.  A mess.  The manager (or maybe he was the construction foreman) promised everything would be ready on our return.  We had no choice.  Time was against us looking further.  I was livid.  Not about the room fiasco so much, but I had my vision of a romantic weekend away, with my girlfriend, in a hotel, blown up big time.

We had a fun time with the Muirs - Don and Mary and their girls.  They were most warm and welcoming to me and Kathy was excited at their response.  Dinner was wonderful and there were lots of questions and laughs.  Things were now coming back to normal. They wanted us to stay at their house, but we begged off and told them we had a room waiting for us.  I thought at the time, that this might well be a lie of magnificent proportions.  Remember, I had seen the room.  We laughed all the way back to the hotel.  We expected the worst.  The lobby was even worse looking than we remembered.  I could feel the tension  rising in my neck.  We opened the door to our room.  It was great!  Everything was done - totally.  The room still had a slight odor of paint, but that was it. We had our room.  And each other.  Alone.

We toured downtown Ottawa the next day.  It is a beautiful city.  Very romantic. The Parliament Buildings are impressive.  The Ottawa River flows through the center of the city.  Tulips color the city.  It is a great place to buy a ring and become engaged.  That, my friends, is what we did.  We had known each other for three months.  I know some of you are thinking " this will never last".  You would not have been alone in that thought.  I am sure there was a lot of eye- rolling when we told our friends later on.

We had discussions with Mom, who was more than a little nervous about me entering into a new relationship.  The last had not gone well and she had never had a chance to really spend any time with Kath.  She had expected to help me raise my son only two years previously and had seen me through some troubling times.  I was still her boy.  I guess that never changes.  She wished us well and gave hugs.  After we left, she might have had a cry.  One can only guess.

Then we talked to Kath's parents.  That went even worse.  They were most cordial when we were together with them, but drama ignited when I left Kathy alone with them.  Her dad wanted me investigated and her mom, like all moms, was just plain worried.  I could not have blamed them.

It didn't take long for acceptance all around.  When you are happy in your life, it becomes a little contagious.  Everyone started to understand and share our affection for each other.  Kath started teaching and moved in with me, but she told her mom that she was living with her friend, Clare.  For a year, when Kath's mom phoned, Clare would tell her that Kath was in the shower or out shopping and that she would have her call back as soon as possible.  It was like a Marx Brothers' movie.

Sometime that year, Kath cut her hair - short.  And she put a dash of color in the front.  This had to be a test.  

Our year of engagement and getting to know each other was magical.   We spent a good deal of time with all the parents, getting to know them and giving them the chance to know us, as a couple.  Kath started her teaching career and realized how much she loved "her kids".  When we both finished our work day, we blended our time with old friends and new.  When you are young, there is always a party somewhere.  And we didn't miss many.  Weekdays were Toronto, and in good weather, cottage weekends.  The year almost blurred.  We had almost no down time, but I don't remember needing any.

Kathy's mom, Joan, was a deeply devout traditional Catholic.  That was the reason Kathy never wanted her to know about her sleeping arrangements.  She would have been deeply hurt.  They were best friends, mother and daughter, and Kath did not want to upset her.  During our year of covert living arrangements, I entered into a serious discussion with Paul, a priest friend of the Traffords, with the purpose of conversion.  We had lengthy philosophical discussions and debated social justice and the effects on society of the chemical business, specifically the company with which I was employed.  We drank beer and Larry Trafford listened intently to our back and forth.  Larry was a Doctor of Theology, so I think he enjoyed our banter and sparring on issues.  After a few months, Paul and I shook hands, signaling the end of that day's meeting.  He said he would prepare a letter on my behalf and told me, most warmly, that I would make a good Catholic.  Kathy, from the beginning, was neutral to all of this, believing things would all work out anyway.  Kathy's mom, however, was quite overwhelmed that I would have done this - mostly for her.  I am sure the day we gave her the news would rank among her best.  Her daughter would be married in a Catholic Church.  Hallelujah.

On the next trip to Orillia, we told Mom what I had done, in preparation for our marriage.  She smiled the broadest of grins.  Then she told us.  Her mother had been a Catholic and had converted to marry her husband to be.  He was Presbyterian and an Orangeman.  Catholic averse.  So Mom's family were Presbyterian and attended services every Sunday,  a tradition handed down to me.  But Mom had a secret.  She had never told anyone, not even my dad.  My grandmother had snuck out every week to attend mass, and had taken my mother with her.  Mom took an oath of silence.  Now it was out.  So Mom was the second happiest person in celebration of my decision.  She had been a closet Catholic since she was a little girl.  And until that moment, nobody ever knew.  How incredible!

It was then, June 28th, 1974.  Kath had been living the last week at her parent's home, in preparation for the day - you know the one.  It was mid afternoon, and I was just heading over to get the obligatory pre-wedding day hair cut.  It was about time.  My hair was at its longest in a long time.  Kath had always liked my hair on the longer side.  (What must she think of me now?)

My hand was on the door handle, and my phone rang.  I was our company's representative on the Canadian Chemical Emergency Task Force.  I had, and would continue to handle emergencies in our geographic area for the next several years.  This time, the operator on duty wanted me to go to Cornwall as a rail car had derailed. There had been a significant chemical spill.  OK, I said. I'll take it from here.  It was a four hour drive to get there.  It would take some time to get things under control and then drive home.  The wedding ceremony might have to go on without me.  I was determined to do everything in my power to fix the problem from Toronto.

The good news was that we had a significant chemical plant in Cornwall.  I was able to contact the company whose rail car it was, find out what substance we were dealing with, the toxicity, hazards, etc. and get started with the clean up.  They had no employee in the area.  It would be up to us.  I reached one of our company's senior staff in Cornwall, a friend,  and got him involved.  He headed for the crash site and together we worked by phone, until 4 a.m. the next morning.  Police were in control of road traffic.   Heavy equipment was cleaning up the mess.  The site was safe and everything was under control.  I continued to receive updates until mid morning.  There is no rest for the wicked, they say.   I must have been an undeniable reprobate.  I was exhausted.  I climbed into bed.  Why had we not simply found a minister and eloped.  That might have been a lot easier.

I had just enough time to shower, dress and get to the chapel.  No haircut.  Blurry.   Mumbly.  What a way to start.  However, my mom and my aunt Lily were there to greet me, as were a few close friends.  Kathy's family dominated the church.  That girl has a big family.  The chapel was beautiful. And when I turned around, the most beautiful girl was coming down the aisle - to me.  I realized at that moment why we had come to this.  The chapel.  Our families.  Our friends.  Kathleen was the center of my universe.  And my wife.  It was overwhelming.  My real life was just beginning.

Kath and I had a magical journey that year.  You will hear lots more of our crazy life, and friends. This was just the first year.

Today, that magic lives on.